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i'm a warrior!!

I'M A WARRIOR!! 

i have this thing. it's that if i say something enough, i think that abe will believe it. so i tell him everyday that: i love him, daddy loves him, jesus loves him. he's awesome. he's funny. he's cool. he's blessed. he's brave. he's strong.

abe engages himself in an unseen war every day. he gets out his guns and chases "monsters" and shoots them. he rolls on the floor, gets up quick, jumps from couch to couch, shoots and then says victoriously, "i got him!!" to which i reply, "you're awesome, abe!!" then he does it all over again.

most evenings, he will be so full of energy before bed (it's the hype before the crash) and so jason and/or i will play a high energy game of abe's choice like chase, wrestling, or shooting his guns. when he shoots his guns, he's "the warrior." we've taught him to thrust his fist into the air and declare, "I'M A WARRIOR!!" he knows warriors are brave and strong. and they are awesome. and that he's one.

one of the things this warrior does is, when he points and shoots someone (either jason or myself), he completely blasts them to oblivion. it's all out boy play where he sets out to conquer!! the warrior usually hits his target every time! i mean, c'mon! the warrior is strong and brave! he celebrates and then he comes over, grabs our hand and says, "THANK YOU, JESUS!! AMEN!" and raises us from the dead... teaching him that Jesus has the power to raise people from the dead when we pray.

i think... no, i know... that abe believes he's a warrior. when steve carrier, minister and strong man, came to our church, abe was in awe. steve broke bricks with his arms and ripped big phone books. abe stared, wide-eyed... and i turned to him and said in his ear, "abe. he's a warrior. just. like. you." you know what abe said?

"yeah. just like me... just like abraham."

i don't really care at the moment if abraham knows how to or even wants to pray before he eats his food. most days he can't be bothered. i don't care if he doesn't participate in singing "this little light of mine" with the sunday school class. most times he stands there with his arms folded. i don't care what he DOES. i want him to know who he IS.

in this day and age i'm told that guns aren't cool. that i must step in every time there is a slight confrontation of sorts with my son and his playmate to avoid any pain and harm. i'm told that my kid should know his numbers, abc's, colors at a certain age. i'm told that if he can do puzzles, he's a genius. if he acts out, he has a disability. we are completely bombarded with all these new parenting tips that make us and our child socially acceptable, politically correct and, most of all, make it "comfortable" for people to be around him or her. and we get caught up in the craze every once in awhile. we feel credited with every, "what a well mannered child. so well behaved." and so completely down trodden by every, "oohhh, why does he/she do that? you know i've read that leads to (_fill in the blank_)."

how the heck do i tell my son that he's destined to be strong, courageous, loving, LOUD when he needs to be... soft when he wants to be? how am i supposed to teach him to embrace that wild side when society is telling me it's unacceptable, even at an innocent age of three when life and death does not look like what it looks like to an adult? how am i to teach him to be a protector and a fighter when i'm constantly supposed to get him to somehow avoid EVERY confrontation possible?

fear, shame and guilt will always be there to try to bring abe down, make him forget who he is, try to steal his joy, try to make him insecure, demand that he start to perform... i want him to know how to rise up in those moments and allow who he is to step forward.

sometimes we can get so caught up on what everyone is DOING, what we are DOING or what we are not DOING. we're so backed up with information that robs us of the opportunity to simply come as we are and grow. we forget who we are, who we're meant to really be... it really isn't something we turn into. it's something we RETURN to. when jesus comes into our lives, we come into sonship. we are kings and priests. rulers and servants. sons and daughters. lovers and warriors.

who ARE you? separate the truth from the lie.

give insecurity, performance, guilt and shame the middle finger by declaring the word of God over your life. over your children's lives. over your family's lives. and if you are a parent visiting with another parent, pray for one another. speak a blessing over people and their kids.

to start off, maybe stand in front of the mirror. look at yourself and say, "i. am. loved."

and then, for kicks and giggles, pump your fist in the air and say,

"i'm a warrior!!"

too soon?

before you freak out, these are pictures from last year. so no... my decorations are not up yet. but they WOULD be if it were up to me. i love christmas. i'm trying to not completely bypass thanksgiving, but... i'm THANKFUL every thanksgiving for CHRISTMAS! we usually set up our tree around the second week of november. not joking. so we're a little late this year, but it'll be set up soon. but with christmas on the brain, can't help but blog about it. if you scroll down, you'll see my book christmas tree! entirely made of books. don't have room for one this year, but it was my favorite piece, outside of the tree. 

::MANALLI CHRISTMAS TRADITION::

*we, of course, set our tree up together! abe mostly runs around excitedly until we give him ornaments to put on the lower half of the tree.

*music: charlie brown christmas. must. also frank sinatra, bing crosby, michael buble? always on the list. and the old mariah carey christmas album. 

*ELF MOVIE! to be honest, we can watch this year round. but it becomes completely concentrated around this time of year. abe watches it with us, but maybe we can add polar express or the grinch? we'll see... ;) 

*look at christmas lights. this kept me sane in san diego around this time of year. i'd miss home, there'd be palm trees and sun all year round... which was awesome... but i missed alaska. christmas meant snow to me. so jason would take me out driving to see christmas lights at night so that i could imagine the houses with snow when all you could really see was lights on peoples houses.

*baking... but it has to be russian tea cakes. that's what my mom would make all the time in our kitchen. so naturally when i think of baked goods, i think of russian tea cakes. :) 

*christmas eve pajamas. i mean. c'mon, who doesn't love new freaking jammies to sleep in and wake up in?!

::NEW TRADITIONS::

*christmas camp out: i can't wait to do this with abe!! get the air mattresses out, watch a movie by the light of the christmas tree! maybe make some candle stick s'mores! 

*make or buy an ornament to add to the tree every year

*read a christmas story

*make a gingerbread house. abe is at a good age to do this. i think last year he'd just want to eat all the candy. who am i kidding... he'll want to do that this year too. oh well. still have to do it. 

*visit santa.... errrrrrr, abe probably won't do this. but it's worth a shot. ;) 

*make a giant christmas breakfast! 

*get a nativity set and talk about the story of jesus being born! 

we are going to connecticut for christmas as well. i'm so excited. so are the boys! every time i tell abe we're going to connecticut, he says, "i want to go to nugget!" it's darling. so what are your family traditions? are there ones you'd rather not do? are there ones you'd like to add? 

vertical worship

on november 1st, in a hollowed out room, a remnant of musicians and worshipers came together and sat in a circle to lift their voices in worship for four straight hours to jesus. they sang as the sun went down, they sang while the community was eating dinner, they sang when some were going to sleep. their vibrant hearts coming alive more and more with the strum of the guitar, the beat of the drum. the room was lit with strands of white christmas lights strung up on the ceiling, but in reality was completely illuminated by the fiery spirits belting out their song to the Lord. the presence of God penetrated the room with rest, joy, freedom, prophesy and praise as incense went up.

there was no preaching, no prayer team, no announcements, no overhead projector... the focus was completely on making that space to glorify jesus and let him know how beautiful he is. that was it. yet that one focus produced a joyful energy and intense flame.

what would it look like if we came together with no other agenda than to magnify his name? what if we set aside our doctrine, our differences, our events, our programs and just loved the Lord and loved each other in that place? how would those songs being sent out and resonating in the atmosphere of our community change things around us? what would it do INSIDE us?

this is vertical worship. it's stripped down and infused with hunger. it calls to the heart of every believer to unity. it welcomes anyone to come and be a part.

come on, alaska... let's sing to our creator.

the time for singing...

"the time for singing has come...."
-Song of Solomon 2:12

i am a worship leader. i'm a worshiper and a lover first. but i'm a worship leader. i am on staff as a worship leader. and i have been singing for as long as i can remember. nothing makes me come more alive then singing songs to Jesus. my heart becomes so vibrant in that place. and for about the last three years i have lost my voice. as in it hasn't sounded the same for three years. and it wasn't something i talked about often, but i noticed it every time i would sing. my voice just sounded different and weak. i could never get the range i had before or sing as loud as i did before. it was just. gone. i was in mourning over losing it. maybe others didn't notice as much, but i did and started to become so discouraged. in the last year and a half i have been addressing some health issues and started to wonder if my voice was being affected by the poor state of my health. but i couldn't be sure.

being on a journey of healing instantly meant my heart was going through the process as well. it's just how it works in mariya world. the Lord uses everything to speak to my spirit. while gaining healing, i'd say in the last 3 months my voice returned!! the strength and range is back. i've come to realize two things:

1. my body had been SO run down that any reserve it had went to keeping me awake. singing was not for the reserve. but choosing health and the process it is taking is what gave my body energy to be able to sing again. it had to heal to this point!

2. God has been wringing my heart of fear... of un-forgiveness... of bitterness... of hurt... and replacing it with fiery love, passion, authority, peace etc etc etc... i feel the Lord's kindness and his joy in a whole new way. it's like a "it's settled. i am His and no others".

what i have found is that, for me, it wasn't one or the other (physical or spiritual). it was both. i had to allow the Lord to move in both areas. i can't even begin to tell you how many people have prayed for me and told me, "you're healed. it's done" and then it wouldn't be done because the next day symptoms would come back. or some would say, "there's a spirit on that! you have the spirit of such and such..." and i know everyone was trying to be helpful. but when everything was over-spiritualized, it actually only made me feel worse.

the Lord has been showing me that there's restoration in the PROCESS. process has been a big part of my life lately. by staying faithful to the process that it takes to resolve issues in my body, he was showing me that HE was actually the one doing the work, but i was co-parterning with him. it was a powerful moment when i came to the end of my own ability to see this situation myself and started trusting in his process and looking through his lenses.

there's more to this story, but basically when i gained my voice back, i had also come to a place where i felt like i gained many other things... joy, freedom, a sense of clarity...

one of the many ways that physical and spiritual healing manifested in me was in singing again...

the time for singing has come.

30, flirty and thriving

i'm one of those weird ones that was looking forward to turning 30. i did not grow up with a mother who dreaded getting older. and so, i, in turn, learned to love the coming year. plus it probably helps that i still look like a high schooler (sarcasm. i hate being mistaken for a 14 year old).

birthdays generally are not toooo big of a deal for me. definitely like it to be acknowledged, but that could look like friends and family sending me a text saying happy birthday. really. that's all it takes to make me happy. my parents were awesome about throwing birthday parties when i was younger. so it's not like i grew up not having birthday parties. it's more so turned into a time of reflecting for me. i'm good with a small family dinner most years.

but this year, being my 30th, felt like partying.

::THE PARTY::
when planning a party, there are obviously a lot of ideas: prom theme, cupcake bars, wine night, bon fire, home party, dinner, destination (cruise, vaca, girl trip)... but september is a busy month for us. i mean SLAMMIN'. it's a super busy month full of: family birthdays and anniversaries. and doing a full blown theme party that i'd have to put a lot of thought into seemed like a TON of work that i didn't have the energy or time for. so! i decided to do what came most naturally: dinner party!

it was so FUN! i ironically had about 30 people there. see what i did there? actually i didn't notice that til now.

the first pic is where we placed my birthday PIES. mmmm, num. i even had a wheat free, corn free pie made especially for me! apple pies all around! 

the second pic is of the place before everyone came. all that's missing is the food on the table (zucchini and pasta lasagna, salads, bread... all made by the wonderful harmony bolden) and all the gorgeous people that shared the night with me. :) 

also had a young man by the name of conway seavey for the music entertainment! he was AWESOME! the amazing kelsie remsen (dream designs) decorated the whole place! it was vintage, rustic themed. wanted it to have a family feel and for the table to feel like a big endless farm table with assorted chairs. she did an excellent job. 

the night was so fun. and i felt as if this year's present to myself was to have all the people that i love the most (minus my faumui's. spread out in kodiak and redding) at the table, laughing, talking and eating together. all of our kids were running around, good food and music... ahhh! if it wasn't so much work, i'd do it every year! 

my darling husband made a heart felt toast that made my heart burst in my chest. seriously. i'm married to the most beautiful soul. very tender man with an endless amount of patience and love for me and our son. 

::HEART//THOUGHTS::

like i said, i've been looking forward to turning 30. just seemed like a good age. not too young, not too old... still can hang with the young people, but taken seriously with the older, haha! just the way i think i guess. or maybe it's like being able to sit at the kids table AND the adult table. 

and this may sound strange but i'm SO GLAD to be out of my 20's. it was a good decade, but it's almost like the junior high of adulthood. i felt like i was the pimply faced girl with no hips (who am i kidding. i still don't have any. i'm shaped like a boy) a weird haircut, constantly figuring out what it is that i actually think and love,  all while trying to be comfortable in my own skin. and let's be honest, i wasn't one of those WILD and CRAZY 20 year olds who went out and danced on tables. i've always been somewhat of an old soul which can, to some, translate as boring. (just kidding. i'm not boring. i'm awesome.) and don't get me wrong, i'm still figuring out who i am. and it's clear now, that i'm going to continuously change my mind on many things that i felt i've made my mind up on. i even looked back at old journal entry's from about 6 years ago and think, "that's what i thought about God?! so odd..." 

i feel rejuvenated. i think the biggest thing is i feel: unafraid. 

i'm not afraid of vulnerability. i'm not afraid of messes. i'm not afraid of real relationships. i'm not afraid of getting hurt. i'm not afraid of where we will go or how we will be taken care of. i'm not afraid of trying something new. i'm not afraid of not knowing what i'm doing and what it may look like. i trust the Lord. i trust him. i trust his love for me, for my family and for those around me i care about.  

Left is a pic from my early 20's and me now

not that i have all the experience of one being in there 30's (hello.) but if i could talk to my younger 20'ish self looking towards 30's SOME of the things i'd want to tell her is, "Mariya, you're going to be alright. learn to love yourself, learn to not take yourself seriously... be vulnerable. it's ok to let people see that you don't have everything together. be willing to learn! practice saying, 'i don't know. can you please teach me?' and in the future, you won't think it's cool to back comb your hair as much. loosen up! and just have FUN. you're going to learn how to draw boundaries. you'll keep making mistakes in that area, but family is always first. you are opinionated. and you burn passionately about things you care about. you ARE a non-conformist, but the bridge to being heard on the things that you burn for is relationship. it's no fun to be 'right' (ha.ha.ha.) but no one to go with you. so always care FIRST for these relationships. love God, love people. love God, love people. you will be tested in this over and over. but still: love God, love people. it'll still be just as cool to love disneyland and you will only grow to be even more dorky. (embrace your inner dork!)." 

and to really tie in the 30 "flirty" and thriving title... i am the WORST flirter. so i'm not even sure what that means. oh well. but it rhymed. but thriving? 

hell yes i am

:) 

i sad, mom!

so last night, i let abe know he had two minutes left on the ipad to watch his show "kipper" before it was time to be all done. he replied with, "ok, mom!"

two minutes go by. times up. i'm tired. i've been looking forward to bed time. his bed time.

so i grabbed the ipad and with a chipper voice said, "ok, two minutes is done! time to be all done!"

his reaction when i took it away? ----> "NOOOOOOOooooooo!!! no, mom!" *cry cry cry*

to which i said, "ok! lay down, time for bed. don't like the attitude!"

he lays down and is sobbing.

and i thought to myself, "this is what parents do, right? kids have been sent to bed crying before."

i try to settle in. i try to be ok with my decision. he's still crying.

so i go and check on him.

"bubby, sit up. do you want to talk?"

he sits up and nods, looking at me with tears streaming down his small cheeks.

"i sad, mom! you took the ipad out of abraham's hands! you just took it!" he raises his little hands and motions holding it and then it being snatched.

*lightbulb comes on*

"ooohhhhh! abe, you're right i did do that. and that makes you sad?"

"yes! i sad! you just took it!"

"and you didn't like that i just took it without you knowing"

"yeah! you just took it out of abraham's hands!!" *sobbing again*

now. i know that he's three. it's not a big deal over all. but to his three year old heart, it mattered a whole lot. the feeling of being powerless in the situation was real to him.

"you know what? mommy is so sorry. i should not have just taken it out of your hands. i should have told you the two minutes was up and then have YOU give it to me, huh?"

"yes!" *resting his head on my chest and letting out more tears*

"mommy is sorry. can you forgive me?"

clearly still struggling with hurt and crying, "yes, i forgive you..."

"do you want me to pray for you?"

"yes!! pweeze pway jejus"

so we pray. we invite his peace and his forgiveness to wash over us. feeling little relief, he lies down. still processing. i lay down with him and talk to him about his day... and his thoughts still go towards the incident, "you took it out of abraham's hands...."

"yes, i did. and mommy is sorry"

we repeat this like 5-10 times. i'm tired, ya'll. i want him to go to bed. this was supposed to be a fast routine. and instead, i'm laying in my son's bed listening to him talk about the situation. i run my hands through his hair and kiss his head. i squeeze him tight and keep telling him i love him. after awhile i'm able to leave and he's still laying there thinking. he calls me to his room a couple more times before drifting off to sleep. and i go to his room. sit on his bed and rub his back.

he had to process. and then he wanted reconnection.

i understand that maybe this isn't the most ideal thing to do all the time. but last night, he needed his mommy. he needed to know his heart was important and that i would fight for that connection as long as it took. and if you're wondering, it took an HOUR.

abraham is like any other three year old. he gets upset over weird stuff. for example, like his socks not lining up right or his toast looks different that day so he refuses to eat it. he himself is not good at sharing and takes things away from other kids a lot of the time.

but i want to hear him. i want to hear him out.

we won't get this right every time. and one day he won't always want to talk it out as easily as he did last night. but i have hope that if we establish holding the standard of connecting with his heart, that it will benefit our relationship in the long run. it's not my job to control abe or to "punish" him. it's my job to discipline him, to believe in him, to protect him... to raise him up to be a good listener and a communicator. to love him FREELY and DEEPLY.

dear abe, 
you are so amazing. you're really really cool. you just are! you're a cool kid. ;) our love is dorky and our dance moves are ridiculous. i love your laugh! you have the best laugh. mommy and daddy will always be here loving you, accepting you, willing to listen to you, we will always want to talk to you and we will always believe in you. thank you for reminding me to connect with your heart. being connected to you is above the principle most times. you're such a good boy. you are strong and brave!! i love you so...