this question used to make me so anxious last year. it would bring up so many emotions that i would try to stuff down and then answer with a tight smile, "good."
i would be praying and hoping that you'd believe me so that i could be left alone. just being honest.
if you're 2011 was anything like mine, then it was probably one of the hardest years of your life. it was a big year of change for me, from becoming a new parent, to moving into a new home and adjusting financially, to seeing good friends go, changes in church, changes in family and it goes on and on.
i felt like my love was tested over and over again. some nights i would grip my chest, curl up in bed and say over and over in my head, "God, you are good. i know you are good. your word says you are good. i believe you... you are good in everything. even if things are not going good, you are still good and you know best." i clung to verses like Ephesians 3 about being rooted and grounded in love. to know the love that surpasses our understanding. Or Jeremiah 17:7-8, "blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, and whose hope is in the Lord. for he shall be like a tree planted by the waters, which spread its roots by the river, and will not fear when heat comes; but its leaf will be green, and it will not be anxious in the year of drought, for will cease from yielding fruit", or verses on hope and faith. his everlasting love.
it was a year of repeating the words of God back to him in prayer and saying, "i can't feel you. but i know that you are true!"
pain is pain. and there is no way to invalidate anothers pain. but i was starting to realize that i can either become bitter or i can offer a weak "yes" to God in the midst of my pain. did i fight bitterness and offense? sure! but i wanted to come out of the wilderness leaning on my beloved. i wanted to sing of His love amidst the heartache (see the book of Hosea).
i believe shelley hundley has so much language for a journey through pain and understanding how the Lord's hand is in the midst of it. she says, "without pain, we would remain fascinated by one vanity after another. pain reveals to us the inadequacy of what we are beholding and unlocks our ache for a greater beauty to fulfill our need." -(a cry for justice by shelley hundley)
C.S Lewis also writes, "God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains; it is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world."
so last year, i started to embark on a journey of delving deeper into the heart of God. i hid away for a time, not able to bring myself at times to see others. i had to keep my days simple and i surrounded myself with safe people who could speak into me. it was an amazing year of healing where i faced myself, my inadequacy and the saving power of an almighty God!
jason and i sought a lot of our spiritual parents and trusted voices. we received a lot of inner healing, which is something that i'm still working through with the holy spirit. we kept at it. day by day, step by step. it was hours of prayer, pouring ourselves over scripture, encouraging one another, repenting and rebuking fears...
we began to reprioritize our lives. we laid everything down and asked God to start us from scratch. He told us what to pick up again and what to not pick up and how to be a family. we are still learning so much and will continue to learn. God did an upheaval in our family, our marriage, ministry, business, finances, time, intimacy, EVERYTHING. and though it was hard at times, we kept coming back to the Lord with our little "yes".
then one day, i cannot even tell you when or how, but one day i just looked at jason and said, "whoa. i have my joy back." i hadn't realized that this whole time, there was this heaviness, like a black layer that pressed down upon my heart... and i suddenly realized that it had lifted. that it was gone. and it had been gone for awhile, but i just now noticed it. i felt like the eyes of my heart cleared. and i was able to see again. i looked back and i DID see and hear where God was shouting.
the other verse that i kept close to me was isaiah 42:12-13, "let them give glory to the Lord, and declare his praise in the coastlands. the Lord shall go forth like a mighty man; He shall stir up His zeal like a man of war. He shall cry out, yes, shout aloud; He shall prevail against His enemies!"
now. i know for all you end time theologians, that this might be out of text for me to take it for myself instead of end times, bla bla bla. but there were times when i'd get a clear picture of jesus in my times of worship spinning and spinning, going faster and faster, laughing and conquering. i can't explain it, but that's what i saw. his laughter was far from the concerns i would feel.
so now. when someone says, "how are you doing?" i offer the testimony of my jesus and the working power of the cross. i may have gone into that season feeling that my life was great and nothing could go wrong. Bob Kauflin says in his book, Worship Matters that, "I'd felt hopeless, but not hopeless enough. i knew Jesus died on the cross to save sinners from God's wrath, enduring in our place the punishment we deserved. i understood that i couldn't save myself. i just didn't think of myself as a very great sinner. which meant i didn't need a very great savior." apart from the Lord, we are NOTHING. apart from Him, there is no good. i may have gone into that season a "great mariya" who lived a life that was happy and unto God, but i came out of it completely broken and leaning on Him, knowing that everything stems from beholding the beauty of who He is, not just as a "good God" but as a passionate God who deserves all worship and all glory and wants fiery hearts from his children.
this is long. and a lot of people probably won't read this whole thing. i mostly did it to have an account of some of the things i came out on the other side with. there's so much more. so much more. but this'll do for now.
and yes, as you may have noticed, i didn't write any specifics on the things that i had to walk through. it doesn't matter as much as the lesson...
but if you are facing pain or have gone through painful times, know that there is a God who will fight for you. his love is fierce. his dream for your life is fierce. all he needs is for you to turn to him and say yes. it may take time, but his word never returns back void. he keeps all his promises!!
i felt like my love was tested over and over again. some nights i would grip my chest, curl up in bed and say over and over in my head, "God, you are good. i know you are good. your word says you are good. i believe you... you are good in everything. even if things are not going good, you are still good and you know best." i clung to verses like Ephesians 3 about being rooted and grounded in love. to know the love that surpasses our understanding. Or Jeremiah 17:7-8, "blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, and whose hope is in the Lord. for he shall be like a tree planted by the waters, which spread its roots by the river, and will not fear when heat comes; but its leaf will be green, and it will not be anxious in the year of drought, for will cease from yielding fruit", or verses on hope and faith. his everlasting love.
it was a year of repeating the words of God back to him in prayer and saying, "i can't feel you. but i know that you are true!"
pain is pain. and there is no way to invalidate anothers pain. but i was starting to realize that i can either become bitter or i can offer a weak "yes" to God in the midst of my pain. did i fight bitterness and offense? sure! but i wanted to come out of the wilderness leaning on my beloved. i wanted to sing of His love amidst the heartache (see the book of Hosea).
i believe shelley hundley has so much language for a journey through pain and understanding how the Lord's hand is in the midst of it. she says, "without pain, we would remain fascinated by one vanity after another. pain reveals to us the inadequacy of what we are beholding and unlocks our ache for a greater beauty to fulfill our need." -(a cry for justice by shelley hundley)
C.S Lewis also writes, "God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains; it is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world."
so last year, i started to embark on a journey of delving deeper into the heart of God. i hid away for a time, not able to bring myself at times to see others. i had to keep my days simple and i surrounded myself with safe people who could speak into me. it was an amazing year of healing where i faced myself, my inadequacy and the saving power of an almighty God!
jason and i sought a lot of our spiritual parents and trusted voices. we received a lot of inner healing, which is something that i'm still working through with the holy spirit. we kept at it. day by day, step by step. it was hours of prayer, pouring ourselves over scripture, encouraging one another, repenting and rebuking fears...
we began to reprioritize our lives. we laid everything down and asked God to start us from scratch. He told us what to pick up again and what to not pick up and how to be a family. we are still learning so much and will continue to learn. God did an upheaval in our family, our marriage, ministry, business, finances, time, intimacy, EVERYTHING. and though it was hard at times, we kept coming back to the Lord with our little "yes".
then one day, i cannot even tell you when or how, but one day i just looked at jason and said, "whoa. i have my joy back." i hadn't realized that this whole time, there was this heaviness, like a black layer that pressed down upon my heart... and i suddenly realized that it had lifted. that it was gone. and it had been gone for awhile, but i just now noticed it. i felt like the eyes of my heart cleared. and i was able to see again. i looked back and i DID see and hear where God was shouting.
the other verse that i kept close to me was isaiah 42:12-13, "let them give glory to the Lord, and declare his praise in the coastlands. the Lord shall go forth like a mighty man; He shall stir up His zeal like a man of war. He shall cry out, yes, shout aloud; He shall prevail against His enemies!"
now. i know for all you end time theologians, that this might be out of text for me to take it for myself instead of end times, bla bla bla. but there were times when i'd get a clear picture of jesus in my times of worship spinning and spinning, going faster and faster, laughing and conquering. i can't explain it, but that's what i saw. his laughter was far from the concerns i would feel.
so now. when someone says, "how are you doing?" i offer the testimony of my jesus and the working power of the cross. i may have gone into that season feeling that my life was great and nothing could go wrong. Bob Kauflin says in his book, Worship Matters that, "I'd felt hopeless, but not hopeless enough. i knew Jesus died on the cross to save sinners from God's wrath, enduring in our place the punishment we deserved. i understood that i couldn't save myself. i just didn't think of myself as a very great sinner. which meant i didn't need a very great savior." apart from the Lord, we are NOTHING. apart from Him, there is no good. i may have gone into that season a "great mariya" who lived a life that was happy and unto God, but i came out of it completely broken and leaning on Him, knowing that everything stems from beholding the beauty of who He is, not just as a "good God" but as a passionate God who deserves all worship and all glory and wants fiery hearts from his children.
this is long. and a lot of people probably won't read this whole thing. i mostly did it to have an account of some of the things i came out on the other side with. there's so much more. so much more. but this'll do for now.
and yes, as you may have noticed, i didn't write any specifics on the things that i had to walk through. it doesn't matter as much as the lesson...
but if you are facing pain or have gone through painful times, know that there is a God who will fight for you. his love is fierce. his dream for your life is fierce. all he needs is for you to turn to him and say yes. it may take time, but his word never returns back void. he keeps all his promises!!