30, flirty and thriving

i'm one of those weird ones that was looking forward to turning 30. i did not grow up with a mother who dreaded getting older. and so, i, in turn, learned to love the coming year. plus it probably helps that i still look like a high schooler (sarcasm. i hate being mistaken for a 14 year old).

birthdays generally are not toooo big of a deal for me. definitely like it to be acknowledged, but that could look like friends and family sending me a text saying happy birthday. really. that's all it takes to make me happy. my parents were awesome about throwing birthday parties when i was younger. so it's not like i grew up not having birthday parties. it's more so turned into a time of reflecting for me. i'm good with a small family dinner most years.

but this year, being my 30th, felt like partying.

::THE PARTY::
when planning a party, there are obviously a lot of ideas: prom theme, cupcake bars, wine night, bon fire, home party, dinner, destination (cruise, vaca, girl trip)... but september is a busy month for us. i mean SLAMMIN'. it's a super busy month full of: family birthdays and anniversaries. and doing a full blown theme party that i'd have to put a lot of thought into seemed like a TON of work that i didn't have the energy or time for. so! i decided to do what came most naturally: dinner party!

it was so FUN! i ironically had about 30 people there. see what i did there? actually i didn't notice that til now.

the first pic is where we placed my birthday PIES. mmmm, num. i even had a wheat free, corn free pie made especially for me! apple pies all around! 

the second pic is of the place before everyone came. all that's missing is the food on the table (zucchini and pasta lasagna, salads, bread... all made by the wonderful harmony bolden) and all the gorgeous people that shared the night with me. :) 

also had a young man by the name of conway seavey for the music entertainment! he was AWESOME! the amazing kelsie remsen (dream designs) decorated the whole place! it was vintage, rustic themed. wanted it to have a family feel and for the table to feel like a big endless farm table with assorted chairs. she did an excellent job. 

the night was so fun. and i felt as if this year's present to myself was to have all the people that i love the most (minus my faumui's. spread out in kodiak and redding) at the table, laughing, talking and eating together. all of our kids were running around, good food and music... ahhh! if it wasn't so much work, i'd do it every year! 

my darling husband made a heart felt toast that made my heart burst in my chest. seriously. i'm married to the most beautiful soul. very tender man with an endless amount of patience and love for me and our son. 

::HEART//THOUGHTS::

like i said, i've been looking forward to turning 30. just seemed like a good age. not too young, not too old... still can hang with the young people, but taken seriously with the older, haha! just the way i think i guess. or maybe it's like being able to sit at the kids table AND the adult table. 

and this may sound strange but i'm SO GLAD to be out of my 20's. it was a good decade, but it's almost like the junior high of adulthood. i felt like i was the pimply faced girl with no hips (who am i kidding. i still don't have any. i'm shaped like a boy) a weird haircut, constantly figuring out what it is that i actually think and love,  all while trying to be comfortable in my own skin. and let's be honest, i wasn't one of those WILD and CRAZY 20 year olds who went out and danced on tables. i've always been somewhat of an old soul which can, to some, translate as boring. (just kidding. i'm not boring. i'm awesome.) and don't get me wrong, i'm still figuring out who i am. and it's clear now, that i'm going to continuously change my mind on many things that i felt i've made my mind up on. i even looked back at old journal entry's from about 6 years ago and think, "that's what i thought about God?! so odd..." 

i feel rejuvenated. i think the biggest thing is i feel: unafraid. 

i'm not afraid of vulnerability. i'm not afraid of messes. i'm not afraid of real relationships. i'm not afraid of getting hurt. i'm not afraid of where we will go or how we will be taken care of. i'm not afraid of trying something new. i'm not afraid of not knowing what i'm doing and what it may look like. i trust the Lord. i trust him. i trust his love for me, for my family and for those around me i care about.  

Left is a pic from my early 20's and me now

not that i have all the experience of one being in there 30's (hello.) but if i could talk to my younger 20'ish self looking towards 30's SOME of the things i'd want to tell her is, "Mariya, you're going to be alright. learn to love yourself, learn to not take yourself seriously... be vulnerable. it's ok to let people see that you don't have everything together. be willing to learn! practice saying, 'i don't know. can you please teach me?' and in the future, you won't think it's cool to back comb your hair as much. loosen up! and just have FUN. you're going to learn how to draw boundaries. you'll keep making mistakes in that area, but family is always first. you are opinionated. and you burn passionately about things you care about. you ARE a non-conformist, but the bridge to being heard on the things that you burn for is relationship. it's no fun to be 'right' (ha.ha.ha.) but no one to go with you. so always care FIRST for these relationships. love God, love people. love God, love people. you will be tested in this over and over. but still: love God, love people. it'll still be just as cool to love disneyland and you will only grow to be even more dorky. (embrace your inner dork!)." 

and to really tie in the 30 "flirty" and thriving title... i am the WORST flirter. so i'm not even sure what that means. oh well. but it rhymed. but thriving? 

hell yes i am

:) 

i sad, mom!

so last night, i let abe know he had two minutes left on the ipad to watch his show "kipper" before it was time to be all done. he replied with, "ok, mom!"

two minutes go by. times up. i'm tired. i've been looking forward to bed time. his bed time.

so i grabbed the ipad and with a chipper voice said, "ok, two minutes is done! time to be all done!"

his reaction when i took it away? ----> "NOOOOOOOooooooo!!! no, mom!" *cry cry cry*

to which i said, "ok! lay down, time for bed. don't like the attitude!"

he lays down and is sobbing.

and i thought to myself, "this is what parents do, right? kids have been sent to bed crying before."

i try to settle in. i try to be ok with my decision. he's still crying.

so i go and check on him.

"bubby, sit up. do you want to talk?"

he sits up and nods, looking at me with tears streaming down his small cheeks.

"i sad, mom! you took the ipad out of abraham's hands! you just took it!" he raises his little hands and motions holding it and then it being snatched.

*lightbulb comes on*

"ooohhhhh! abe, you're right i did do that. and that makes you sad?"

"yes! i sad! you just took it!"

"and you didn't like that i just took it without you knowing"

"yeah! you just took it out of abraham's hands!!" *sobbing again*

now. i know that he's three. it's not a big deal over all. but to his three year old heart, it mattered a whole lot. the feeling of being powerless in the situation was real to him.

"you know what? mommy is so sorry. i should not have just taken it out of your hands. i should have told you the two minutes was up and then have YOU give it to me, huh?"

"yes!" *resting his head on my chest and letting out more tears*

"mommy is sorry. can you forgive me?"

clearly still struggling with hurt and crying, "yes, i forgive you..."

"do you want me to pray for you?"

"yes!! pweeze pway jejus"

so we pray. we invite his peace and his forgiveness to wash over us. feeling little relief, he lies down. still processing. i lay down with him and talk to him about his day... and his thoughts still go towards the incident, "you took it out of abraham's hands...."

"yes, i did. and mommy is sorry"

we repeat this like 5-10 times. i'm tired, ya'll. i want him to go to bed. this was supposed to be a fast routine. and instead, i'm laying in my son's bed listening to him talk about the situation. i run my hands through his hair and kiss his head. i squeeze him tight and keep telling him i love him. after awhile i'm able to leave and he's still laying there thinking. he calls me to his room a couple more times before drifting off to sleep. and i go to his room. sit on his bed and rub his back.

he had to process. and then he wanted reconnection.

i understand that maybe this isn't the most ideal thing to do all the time. but last night, he needed his mommy. he needed to know his heart was important and that i would fight for that connection as long as it took. and if you're wondering, it took an HOUR.

abraham is like any other three year old. he gets upset over weird stuff. for example, like his socks not lining up right or his toast looks different that day so he refuses to eat it. he himself is not good at sharing and takes things away from other kids a lot of the time.

but i want to hear him. i want to hear him out.

we won't get this right every time. and one day he won't always want to talk it out as easily as he did last night. but i have hope that if we establish holding the standard of connecting with his heart, that it will benefit our relationship in the long run. it's not my job to control abe or to "punish" him. it's my job to discipline him, to believe in him, to protect him... to raise him up to be a good listener and a communicator. to love him FREELY and DEEPLY.

dear abe, 
you are so amazing. you're really really cool. you just are! you're a cool kid. ;) our love is dorky and our dance moves are ridiculous. i love your laugh! you have the best laugh. mommy and daddy will always be here loving you, accepting you, willing to listen to you, we will always want to talk to you and we will always believe in you. thank you for reminding me to connect with your heart. being connected to you is above the principle most times. you're such a good boy. you are strong and brave!! i love you so...