let's get real, people... Part III

DISCLAIMER: this blog is not for the faint of heart. this may include any single or married persons without children that have very steadfast, control-freaked and/or positive-"jesus-is-on-my-side" mindsets of what childbearing or child rearing will be like.

here we go, at it again! again, if this is your first time reading this blog series and you have not read Parts I or II, i'd encourage you to read those first.

ok, as i've said before, i'm unsure how many more entries to this blog i'll do. i'll probably do them as long as emails keep coming in! which, by the way, has been so AMAZING. it's so awesome to see the support of mothers to other mothers by sharing. i think that every mom can find themselves in some way or another in any one of these stories.

i'll let them speak for themselves....:

Ezra and his beautiful mommy, Roxanne

Life a I knew it was mostly about me now that I look back. I did things on my time. Then, this little sweet bundle came into our lives. I don't think anything could have prepared me for the weight of responsibility, the physical exhaustion, the emotional exhastion, and the overwhelming love that developed for this little fragile life that was completely dependent on me to sustain its life. At times I wanted to cry. Sometimes I did cry. At times I related with the women who shook their babies, although I would not have ever actually done that! But I could see how it came about :) It took about 3 months for me to really realize my old care free life was gone, and my never-a-dull-moment journey into motherhood had just begun! It has been a wild ride so far, and yes I am on my way to doing it again! I don't think it gets easier, but its always changing. The Lord has so used motherhood in my life to show me the most ugliest selfish things in my heart in order to free me of them so I can become a little more like Him. He gives and seeks nothig in return. Now that's some love! So hang in there moms! None of us have it all together :) You are amazing and all are doing an incredible job! If anyone needs a shoulder or an ear I am here :) ~Roxanne Zimmerman

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here is just an excerpt of kasi's blog. provided below is the link to read the whole thing. you should. do it. you know you want to.



Kasi with Isabel and Killian



"Let’s call a spade, a spade. If you tell me about how amazing your life is, I will only think to myself, 'this can only be admirable if you have kids.' Pretty much because that’s where I am in life right now. I don’t have time to fantasize about being a jungle missionary or Hollywood hoebag. I only have time for reality. Anything else is a waste. I could kindof fantasize about things with one child, but two? My head can’t be in the clouds too long. But I can still enjoy life as it happens." ~Kasi McClure

for the rest of this blog go here: http://kasibetty.wordpress.com/2010/05/14/wearing-mom-shoes/ /

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Sophia in NICU

Where to begin… Our daughter was born 7 weeks early, I’ll try to condense my story to just one or two paragraphs, however, you have to understand when you have a premature baby the struggles of motherhood are instantly magnified.

When my daughter was born she was immediately rushed into the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) where she was “plugged in” from every limb. I didn’t get to see her until the next day. Listen, I don’t care who you are, when you see a premature baby it’s a little scary. While, to you, this child is still beautiful and definitely a miracle, they are obviously under developed to say the least! Too sensitive to touch, and highly susceptible to germs, tubes and cords coming out of every limb, microscopic in size, …it’s quite an intimidating experience to say the least. Then we were discharged… and when I say “we” I mean they dismissed me WITHOUT my child. It was just my husband and I. Liken it to Christmas morning… The excitement of opening all your gifts and then having to leave them under the tree… Take that emotion, and then multiply it by 100! Your child is truly your most precious gift, and to have to leave her behind was almost unbearable! The two and a half weeks that followed were even more agonizing: traveling back and forth to the hospital 3 times a day, only to be awarded just 30 mins of “feeding” time, no sleep due to worry and anxiety, pumping every two hours day and night, watching the nurse cuddle and love on MY baby, listening to her call her “my Sophie”… oh the emotion! Immediately the internal struggle begins, “NO, She’s MY Sophie!”, “Who is this woman bonding with MY child!?”, “Is she going to love me? Will she be able to bond with ME!”, “No one can take care of my child better than me… right?...?”

Finally we get to take her home. By this time my husband has to go back to work, so I am all alone with my very tiny newborn who is hooked up to a breathing monitor that tends to go off with every movement (talk about nerve wracking) and we’re finally able to begin to bond. I’m trying to breast feed – however, having had to pump so often for so long, caused some heavy injury to my nipples, which meant I had to stop pumping to let them heal. So by the time we were able to try – I had virtually no more milk! After 3 full days and nights of trying to feed, we switched to formula. Talk about an “emotional end” …Immediately I felt like such a failure. “Why am I broken! She hasn’t even been home for a whole week, and already I’ve given up. Am I cut out for this? What’s wrong with me!?…”

Cristin with her very healthy and vibrant Sophia

As it turns out, I am cut out for this! I once read, “A woman is like a bag of tea. You don’t know how strong she is until you put her in hot water!” TRUTH! I’ve discovered strength in myself I never knew was there. More importantly, I’ve become closer to my Heavenly father (out of pure necessity). As time goes on my child continues to grow healthy and strong… WE PULLED THROUGH! Every day presents opportunity for a new struggle… There will always be a chance to fall to your knees in defeat, or a chance to overcome. Keep it in perspective! Life goes beyond you… I think the reason children are such a blessing is because they constantly force us to take a good hard look at ourselves! “A wise woman builds her home, but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands.” Prov. 14:1 As the matriarch in your household, will you rise up to be the woman God called you to be… or will you let yourself succumb to defeat? Rise up you women of faith, you mothers of many… your time to shine is now!

"let's get real, people..." beauty can be found in all its up's and down's, in every season and in every turn...

yes. before you ask, yes. there is a Part IV.

let's get real, people... Part II

DISCLAIMER: this blog is not for the faint of heart. this may include any single or married persons without children that have very steadfast, control-freaked and/or positive-"jesus-is-on-my-side" mindsets of what childbearing or child rearing will be like.

hey! welcome. if this is your first time reading this blog and you haven't read Part I, i'd encourage you to check that out first! :)

thoughts- in order for this blog to work, it needed to accomplish two things: vulnerability and encouragement. i somewhat feel the responsibility of making sure that you (the reader) understand that the ladies that have contributed their stories took a risk of being honest and then handing over their stories to me, trusting that i would lay out a good foundation in which their story would be shared and that they would still be seen as the loving mothers they truly are. i hope that i am doing a good job, as i respect and admire each and every one of them.

"babies are not books"
it's funny to me now when someone has "read" somewhere information on this or that tries, with all good intention, to contribute to the conversation with a matter-of-fact tone. i am not trying to be rude, but most of the time there are no right answers that work 100% of the time across the board when it comes to babies. in an ideal world, yes. but in reality, no. all to say, this blog is not to provide right answers... but hope. :)

on a side note, i had originally said that this may just be a blog in two parts. but it might be three... or four... i don't know. but stay tuned... in the meantime, enjoy more stories!

Rachel Killoran and son, Charlie

Motherhood. Never has a single word held so much in meaning! I am not just a lady with a baby- I am someone's MOTHER, will one day probably be someones mother-in-law, and then hopefully a grandmother. It's the entirety and "forever-ness" of being a mother that daunts me. It never stops, there is no break, no time off, no holidays because, even when you have that opportunity, you are thinking about them ALL the time! And you HAVE to deal with each new stage as you face them, head on.
My story feels a little different from what I have heard from other people and I am sometimes afraid to share it for risk of people thinking I am boasting in any way. Truth is, I don't find it all that hard. I don't struggle with feeding, Charlie sleeps all night every night, and I have an amazing husband who is extremely "hands on."

My delivery was pretty awful and I have had to spend time praying about it and getting it straightened out in my mind & heart. I was a bit mad at God that it hadn't been the "perfect" delivery I had wanted- BUT I now know HE was in control the whole time, HE never left my side and, above all, HE is PROUD OF ME! I did it and He loves me!

I guess my biggest struggle is the feeling of inadequacy. Surely I should be Supermum? My house ought to be beautiful, laundry done, lovely food cooked daily AND to top it all, I should be looking amazing, right?! Reality is SO very different! I am improving at managing my home, but if I find time to put any makeup on at all it's cos Tim is driving us somewhere and I do it in the car (and my body is still a weird shape)!!

I have felt every emotion under the sun, sometimes all at once! But, my biggest (aside from LOVE!) is a total sense of achievement. Everything I have done with my life so far pales in comparison to becoming a mum. Charlie is my biggest prize in this life!

Please don't misunderstand me, it didn't start easy like it is now. There were times Tim would wake up to find me pacing back & forth with tears streaming down my face because Charlie won't stop crying. BUT rest in the knowledge that: YES your maternal instincts probably are right, and if it keeps you sane then do whatever works (bottles, breast, pacifiers, etc). The best thing you can do for your baby is MAKE SURE you look after yourself and LOVE your husband. A baby who is secure in his parents love for one another, is secure in knowing he is also loved (NOT at all dig at single mothers cos God is bigger than that!!) ~ Rachel Killoran

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Jeni Davis at the part with Eliana

"You may experience some baby blues". I remember hearing those words at about 37 weeks along, but I was sure they didn't apply to me. "But I'm a Christian! Jesus is my anti-depressant!!". And I thought it with assurance. I was so unaware of the tiredness, the lonliness, and the recovery that having a baby would bring. When talking to other mothers they were quick to assure me that it's all worth it (I'm well aware, I'm in love with my daughter) and one woman went so far as to tell me that I just needed to turn off the tv and then I would fill up with the love hormone and wouldn't have problems with nursing. Such sound advice (insert sarcastic tone) :).

My baby is nearly two now and looking back the memories seem bright and happy, but I want the sensitivity to remain to new moms. You are amazing, you brought life into the world and you are daily feeding and encouraging that little soul. If I could go back I would smile at myself in the mirror more, cuddle my baby longer, and not worry about schedules or productiveness. ~Jeni Davis

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Angel Jackson and Caleb as a newborn



Motherhood is messy business! After bringing Ezra home from the hospital, I was excited to do the first diaper change at home. I was on the living room floor and when I took off his diaper he started to pee all over me! Then all of the sudden meconium spewed out his bottom! I started laughing so hard that I peed my pants! What?! No one told me that my bladder control would never be the same! So there I was....peed on by baby and myself, pooped on, spit up all over my shirt and breast milk leaking out my clothes! It didn't take long for me to learn that it wasn't all about me anymore! Spit up is my fragrance of choice, being in the bathroom alone is a treat, and the bags under my eyes are just the "sexy smokey" look. Someday I'll get to wear nice jewelry that won't get broken when it's pulled on, I won't smell like sour milk, and I'll be well rested. That time will come far too soon. I'm learning to enjoy all the messy moments of motherhood because someday I'll wish I had them back. ~Angel Jackson


"let's get real, people..." humor goes a long way. if you can still laugh, you're doing good!

still want more? yes. there will be a Part III. ya won't want to miss it!

let's get real, people... Part I

DISCLAIMER: this blog is not for the faint of heart. this may include any single or married persons without children that have very steadfast, control-freaked and/or positive-"jesus-is-on-my-side" mindsets of what childbearing or child rearing will be like.

i might have to make this into two blogs. we'll see. SO! here we go... feeling particularily uninspired and unmotivated in every area possible (ask my husband) one day because of the sweet demand of motherhood, i found myself aimlessly stalking everyone's facebook while nursing (ultimate multi-tasking haha). while doing so, i recieved a message from a dear kasi mcclure. her email was so refreshing because it was so real. for the first time in awhile i didn't feel alone. here's what she said:

If you ever need to just need to say what you're feeling about any part of motherhood, feel free to use me as your uh... trash can ears??? LoL.

It's such a beautiful thing, I would say with Isabel I didn't really feel the connection of it all until she was about 8 months and didn't really relax until she was a year. After that life seemed to get in the groove. It is a common story the falling in love and getting to know your little ones so don't be afraid of those raw feelings? "All you do is eat! You are sucking me dry! ...but I still love you" ;D haha. Yes if you can keep a sense of humor, you're gold my dear! And keep in mind hormones and the whole delivery proces is probably still a little fresh, meaning you are probably still physically healing up? So don't forget to have grace on yourself in taking it easy, b/c that is what MOST moms have problems with... pacing ourselves! Hehe well take care and love you! ♥ Kasi

just so that there's no misunderstanding, i love my son. i do not resent the fact that i am a mother. but in the short 6 weeks of being a new mommy, i have discovered the absolute end of myself. many times.

many.
times.

and reading her words that day, especially the part i highlighted, gave me an extra boost. and then that's where the idea of this blog was born. i thought, "if i have these feelings and feel completely empowered and (normal) after reading that it's ok, then how many other mothers have felt/feel this way yet feel alone?" now again, i may have to make this blog into two because 1) i want their voices to be heard, their stories to be known. and they have a lot to say! 2) i don't want to take over this blog. i think i'll let them speak for themselves and share more on the second one. 

let me just say before i introduce these beautiful women that this isn't meant to be all negative. it's about reality, encouragement and validating every women that has or is about to embark on the journey of parenthood. i also want to add that all of these women are powerful, wonderful, courageous mamas, as well as very, very good mamas. motherhood is a BLESSING.

it is my hope that as you read, you will get that "extra boost" as i did. many thanks to those who participated. when i went through the emails as they came in, i couldn't wait to piece this blog together. all those reading... enjoy!

Rachel Barkley and her son, Max

The hardest part about being a new mommy, for me, was the extreme exhaustion in the very beginning. I ended up having my baby, Max, via c-section and had to take it very easy to let my incision heal properly. God was so gracious though and my recovery went so much better than normal. I was able to be up and about very shortly after and off my medications within about 5 days. I think the only thing that kept me hopeful, as far as sleep was concerned, was the fact that my mother would come over at 7 am each morning to take Max and let me sleep for a few hours until he needed to eat again. Oh, that was glorious! My son only took about 2 1/2 weeks to figure his days and nights out so it wasn't too terrible, but man....I didn't even know the MEANING of tired before my little guy arrived!

One of my sister-in-laws encouraged me with something before Max arrived, she said to put our night time cuddles into perspective - it only lasts a short while and you will NEVER get that time back ever again. He will never be that size, that age ever again... That, along with my mom coming in the morning, and the faintest sign of sunlight, kept me going and I learned to enjoy that season, even though I was exhausted. =) Funny thing is, I can't wait to do it again whenever God gives us another! I'm thankful for the mommy brain...oh the things we are able to forget! ~Rachel Barkley

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Taleasha Shane with her family
(in order of appearance L to R):
Logan, Nataleigh,
her husband Cory and Kyla

Shock, amazed, excited were just some of the ways I felt when I found out I was having a 3rd baby!! You would totally think I was ready after already having 2 but NOPE. This time was different my husband was in the military and was going to be gone for quit awhile, 20 months to be exact. The months seemed to slowly drag on and I was just ready to get this baby out, so I thought!! On Nov.28th 2007 I gave birth to Miss Nataleigh Blair Shane. I committed myself to just breast feeding her. She slept right beside my bed in her basset, when she was too big for that she went into the play yard. I always put her in her own bed but she ALWAYS ended up with me, sometimes I knew she wasn’t hungry but just wanted momma close by. I didn’t mind because daddy was gone. I knew she was my last baby, so I wanted to suck up all the special moments in between having to care for my other two. Did I mention that there were two in diapers!? Yup, it was fun feeding Nataleigh and then Kyla saying she had to go potty (she was potty training). Getting out the door was an adventure in its self. By the time we got to the first store I would have to feed Nataleigh before getting out and change her diaper. Kyla always had to go potty as soon as we got into any store. After getting everything I needed it was time to go get Logan(big brother) from school and go home and lay them down for a nap so I could TRY and clean. That didn’t always happen! Everyday there was something new, pee on the floor, me “leaking”, poo through the diaper and clothes, lotion everywhere, forgetting to drink my coffee(that was a MUST), putting two different shoes on(YES I have done it)!!
Now my 3 are growing up and they have made me so proud and happy to be their mom. I would not trade all the craziness for anything. It makes me laugh and cry when I talk about it. Cherish the moments you have because they really do grow up fast!! And don’t forget the Lord knows what you can handle!! ~Taleasha Shane

 

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Shannon Brophy with baby Judah

Becoming a mommy has been amazingly beautiful and overwhelmingly difficult all at once. When Judah was born, I realized right away that regardless of the number of books I had read, ways I had attempted to prepare and (good) advice I had absorbed from trusted people, none of it had truly given me a sense of the reality that was suddenly mine.
Nathan and I planned to have a water birth and do everything the natural way, but Judah was born via an emergency Caesarean Section after two days of back labor...we nearly lost him. Because of the emergency situation I was put under general anesthesia and so neither my husband nor my mom were allowed into the operating room, I didn't hear my baby's first cry and I didn't get to hold him until 5 hours later when he was stabilized.

One of the major difficulties we are still having is breastfeeding. Call me naive, but breastfeeding, being naturals as it is, I thought would come naturally for both myself and my baby. It has been everything but natural for us! We've had to supplement breastfeeding with formula along with a number of other things to help Judah gain weight and stay strong and now he's becoming more and more fond of the bottle, to our dismay. We were hoping it would eventually be the other way around.

In addition to my own emotional struggle with the fact that so many of our plans and intentions concerning the birth of our baby have gone completely opposite, the weight of critical people who feel compelled to make their opinions known and don't know the whole story can be draining.

I have to admit, sometimes it's easy to view these difficulties as a cloud hanging over us, but instead I try to focus on our little miracle baby we've been so richly blessed with and believe that whatever ways we succeed or fail, no matter who thinks what about our parenting styles and despite all circumstances now and to come, God has Judah's life in His hands and I can trust that above everything else. And that is the most beautiful thing of all. ~Shannon Brophy

 

take heart! you are not alone. and you are more normal than you think! ;) and "let's get real, people..." while caring for a little one may not always be easy, it is BY FAR, the biggest blessing!

 

more stories to come, stay tuned for Part II!

North Korea Recap

this picture to me is just absolutely moving.

our friend sean feucht journied to north korea

to release worship over the country

which is currently closed to any

outside religion and influence.

for the story behind the picture:
http://burn24-7.com/2010/recap-from-north-korea-the-report-of-the-lord/

mama's boy

i can't believe how big abe is getting. 6 weeks now and he is just blossoming every day! we have so much fun and his personality is starting to show. i love his wake time! he loves to kick his legs and smile... his head turns while he lays there to follow me around the room in the morning when i am cleaning the room. aw, my heart melts! he's a little goofy too. he was lauging in this picture. haha! what a cutie:

i love

his eyelashes

his nose

his feet fingers...

ok. toes.

his double chin

his gummy smile

his tiny tongue

his fuzzy

blonde

hair

juicy lips

his blooming personality

his cooing

everything!

of course. naturally, his wake time is always followed with sleep. (ooohhh, nigh-nigh, baby!) i love when he falls asleep in my arms. it's the best. i look at that beautiful sleeping face, breathe in... and my heart swells... he's made me the best me i can be. i'm his mama!!  



my "hunnuh"



in other news, our house is coming along great!! pictures will follow soon... in the meantime, i've been dreaming of room decor and things... i'm wanting to be inspired and found this photo that really gets me excited to make a space for abraham that will provoke him to imagine, explore and expand:

*sigh* soon. very soon. :)

P.S. be on the look out for a future blog that is to come very soon! it will include the postings of some pretty amazing and courageous mamas.

One month down!

Abe made one month yesterday... yay! He's still alive! Obviously we're doing something right...

Ok, that just sounded wrong. But being new parents, holy moly, sometimes you wonder if you're doing things right and if his needs are being met, "What's that cry mean?!"

Is he:

hurt?

lonely?

dirty diaper?

 hungry?

does he think my breath stinks

every time I try to talk to him?

gah!

which is it?!

This has been the most emotional and wonderful month of my life. It's been a new discovery of self, my husband, of course Abe and... the Lord. All take on a new meaning on this journey.

*pause*

(Baberaham needs attention)

......

Ok, I'm back. Where was I? Sleep deprevation will make you forgetful... not to mention emotional... cranky... zombie-like. Oh yeah! New journey. Yeah, everything is different. Life is a little less predictable and I can't help but prioritize now. Abe gives me no choice. He comes first. Alright, alright, for those wondering, obviously GOD comes first... la la la. Anyways, you know what I mean, right? Example. This past Wednesday was my first Wednesday back to church, where I am also staffed. I had to leave the class I was attending towards the end because little man needed his mama ("miiiillllkkk!!!"). I sat there nursing him and for a moment I had this feeling of displacement. Where do I belong? I used to do all the things everyone around me is doing, but I feel out of the loop! Worship was/is my area of "ministry" at the church (I'm the worship leader for those that might be reading this and don't know me), but someone else was teaching that class. For a minute I was dealing with this inner struggle... and then the Lord came rushing into my heart and said, "Abraham is your ministry, Mariya..."

Um, yeah!

What was I thinking?

I looked down at that beautiful face and even MORE love flooded my already overflowing heart for him! Holy cheese! How can you love someone so little and so new sooo much?! Amazing...

Anyways, we are loving our little Hammy.

He's the best.

No really.

He is.

Couple things I am learning as a new mama:

Stay calm. He will be fine!

Keep organized. Otherwise you'll forget where you put EVERYTHING.

Allow room for mistakes. Who said you were the guru of mommyhood??

Rest. Nap when he naps!

Don't forget the hubs. He needs love and attention too!

Allow others to help you out.

and

Don't wear that shirt unless you're totally ok with it being demolished by spit up.

oh, another "and"

(most important)

Trust the Lord. He's good at parenting also.

*sigh*

Honestly, life could not be more beautiful right now. Of course, it has it's moments. Or maybe I should say I have my moments. But it's all a continual mesh of going deeper into the heart of God.

yeah.

totally.

Remember to always stay tender.

I'm one month, suckas!

 

seems that we are in the position of falling asleep a lot...

i mean... a lot...

but then it only equals to the amount of, what...

4 hours total of sleep?

wait a second...

LOVE