let's get real, people... Part IV

DISCLAIMER: this blog is not for the faint of heart. this may include any single or married persons without children that have very steadfast, control-freaked and/or positive-"jesus-is-on-my-side" mindsets of what childbearing or child rearing will be like.

ok, so i said that there was a part IV and i thought that i should keep my word. not that anyone would remember. i guess it's more for me than anyone else, because it's been driving me nuys that i said there'd be a part IV. anyways, anyways, this part is my story. i totally enjoyed reading everyone else's... and i live with myself... so this all seems so redundant to me. but oh well. here we go...

001. Babies are not books. i said this in part II, but it's funny to me now when someone has "read" somewhere information on this or that tries, with all good intention, to contribute to the conversation with a matter-of-fact tone. i am not trying to be rude, but most of the time there are no right answers that work 100% of the time across the board when it comes to babies. in an ideal world, yes. but in reality, no. there's only one book that i can rely and go by to the letter. and *dun dun dun* it's the bible. it says, "trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding...". maybe i'm not the best at following it all the time, but i do know that it works... all the time. 

002. Breastfeeding. Mariya + idealistic views + breastfeeding = bleeding boobs and waterworks. DUDE. i'm sorry... moms-to-be do not read on. avert your eyes from this paragraph. booby feeding hurt like HELL. he was latching on wrong, i didn't know, my milk came in and i didn't know (how do you not know?!), i got engorged, i scabbed over, had a fever for five days, cried... cried... cried... nursing hurt more than labor. i'm serious. i got help and now he latches on wonderfully. there are even times i look forward to it, cuz it's mama and baby time. but OMIGOD, it did not come naturally like i thought it would. and there were times i would think while trying to breastfeed, "what did i get myself into?! i can't do this..." which leads me to:

003. Baby blues. yes. i had it. i cried a lot. and i had these depressing, fear-like, panicky feelings at times. and it'd all be while i was holding abe. he'd cry, i'd cry... aw, it was a mess. and it happened in the second week. i was fine the first. baby blues is real. there's no denying. but with the help of prenatals, a nap here and there, my hunk of a husband, my family and getting out of the house for fresh air, it came and went. i think my high expectations played a part as well in all the baby blues.

004. Synthetics. you know... i had this idea that i'd do everything really all natural. pfff. when it comes down to it, whatever works and keeps me sane so that i can look after my baby, that's what i kind of opt to do. i mean, cmon. take it easy, mariya. i said no pacis. broke that one. i said he'd only sleep in his bed. broke that one. no formula. broke that one. i mean, it's all within reason. all things safe. just not all natural. and everyone has there own convictions. so i'm not knocking people that go all natural or have the patience for things that i have found i don't have patience for. i just need to be the best me for my baby. and if i'm tiring myself out and being cranky pants because i need to live up to something and abe suffers for it? boom. out the window.

005. My body. ok, so i had imagined that by this time i would be hittin' the gym or at least doing something at home. you know the picture of that mom in skinny jeans, oversized fashion sunglasses, trendy baby bag, holding her perfectly dressed baby and starbucks coffee cup in the other? and THEN you zero in on her flat tummy? yeah. so not me. BUT, i will say this... i'm pretty proud of my body. stretch marks, baby buldge and all. i mean, this body pushed out a HUMAN!! i'm awesome! moms, give your body more credit and more grace to yourself.

006. Last one. aside from all the adjustments, i'm in love. it's the truth. and there's no way of explaining how two extreme feelings of highs and lows can exist in the same moment unless you have experienced the miracle of being a parent (sorry). jason and i will look at abe and then each other and say, "whoa..." we learn something new about the Father heart of God every single day. i look at abe and can't believe God entrusted him to us to raise, nurture and love.



mama and abey



"let's get real, people..." parenthood is miraculous...

thanks for reading!

xo,

Mariya

I don't give a...

during john the disciple's time on the isalnd of patmos, the Lord showed him a vision in which we now read as "Revelation". i've heard it said that he, when released from prison, had to be carried on a chair because he was old and frail. as an old man, john traveled from church to church to minister. he had men carry him through the crowds of people on his chair. and then he'd reach out to them, touching them saying,

"little children, little children, love one another"

sometimes that's all he'd say...

"little children, little children, love one another"

john was also the disciple that laid his head on the chest of jesus... he was called the beloved...
he was also the only one that was told to, "come up here and i will show you these things..." (revelation) and given a full blown vision of what's to come.

the more revelation he had, the more simple the message got. it always came down to love.

he could have preached, "little children, little children, jesus is coming, so get your lives together and be holy!!" maybe he could have given a five point message on how to prepare the church for the end times.

but instead.

his message came down to love.

that story has rocked me.

this past week, i personally was wrestling with some things. and after taking them to God, i received breakthrough. all i want is to be a lover. i want the reality of jesus. with my whole heart. i don't want to value the opinion of man above the love of God. when it comes to having to choose whether i will judge or love... screw it. i'm loving. the whole way through. i want to love well and come out of this wilderness leaning on my beloved.

so when someone tells me their opinion on church, politics, people, etc... or when they tell me something so dark and deep that took them forever to say because they felt so much shame... or when someone doesn't do something right... or when i feel out of sorts and i feel my perspective slipping...

i say

(and i don't mean to offend... but i mean it with my WHOLE heart...)

i don't give a shit.

i.just.love.you.

i'm done and i'm done for. my heart has been claimed. i no longer want anything to come inbetween my intimacy with the Lord. or my relationship with people. it's just not worth it to me.

the art of loving well is a life-long journey that i want to take...

i want to be a lover. God, make me a lover.

so.

i love you.

and you.

and you.

yeah.

you.

xo,

Mariya

working through the heartache...

this entry has no definite beginning...

and probably no definite ending either...

and can, by no means,

be expressed to the fullest just by one blog post.

but, tonight, i find myself in a place

that is all too familiar.

it's that place of working through the heartache.

do you know that feeling?

it's that elongated feeling in your chest that creeps up your throat.

it comes attached with so many different overwhelming emotions.

right when you think you may be over it,

it comes up again... like a run-on sentence.

i won't share specifics.

they don't really matter.

well. they matter. they matter to me.

it's just not worth sharing...

jason looks me in the eyes when i feel overtaken and swallowed up. 

"stay tender, baby..."

in order to even get tender

i have to come to a place of reality and vulnerability.

let God go deep and deeper still to the places that are hard...

the places that need to be

tenderized.

restored.

renewed.

refreshed.

sometimes, going through the process,

i get a picture of the Lord plucking out those things that took root down deep.

and then all that's left is this vast desert place

where things that didn't belong once were.

it's painful.

but a good pain.

and then...

the best part.

the feet of the Lord tread upon that vast and empty space.

He makes it holy.

and that place in my heart becomes celibate to Him alone.

and then i can honestly stare everything in the face

and say with all confidence,

"my God, He is good and His love endures"

not only that,

but this is how i get to start every morning!

what a blessed gal i am...

Abraham:

son, always stay tender. keep your heart open to God. even through the hurt. because there will be times where you will hurt. but Abba is always with you. walking with you. singing over you. delighting in you. you can always let your heart be weak before Him. the greatest treasure you will find is, "Jesus loves me, this i know..."

love,

your mama

taking the time...

ever have one
of those days?

baberaham has a little cold... first two nights of it were sleepless. meaning no sleep. no rest. ok. maybe like... an hour or two... here and there.

i would get up and feed, then jason would change and burp. every hour. on the hour, it seemed. eesh.

he was fussy and we were grumpy.
me most of all. jason is always awesome and so willing to rock him to sleep no matter how long it takes. he's such an awesome daddy.

poor thing was under the weather. it was sad to see him all congested. he still had smiles for us though when we had a little bit of play time. wow... he is such a trooper!

so... life keeps going and i still had places i needed to be even though i didn't get any sleep and my little one wasn't feeling well. so i dragged my booty out of bed... went into the bathroom where i think i peed and wiped (bahaha!) then looked in the mirror and thought, "gah! who the heck is that?!" hair askew, crusty make-up around my eyes from the day before and dark circles under my eyes. mmmm... sexy.

hopped in the shower for a quick rinse.... just kidding. i really did wash. i think. i don't remember. anywaysssssss....


so i slipped on some jeans and a nice blouse that still had boob access (for the babe, of course) and i put on my make-up. i think it's important to take that extra little time to do something that makes you feel good. or at least normal. for me it's make-up. you don't think you have time to put it on?? here's how long it took me to put on my make-up:

yeah.

there's really no good excuse!

moms: take out that little extra time. what makes you feel good? putting on a little make-up? actually getting to blow dry your hair? putting on those jeans? that shirt? do it! we shouldn't lose all of ourselves JUST because we "have a baby". there's time.

ta da!

why do i do it?

for me. to feel good! and to hide those bags...

for my husband... who never requires that of me. he thinks i look beautiful when i roll out of bed with greasy hair and day old mascara flaking off my face that i was too lazy to wash off the night before. but i like to keep things fresh! because i'm not only a mom. i'm a wife too. and i like to be beautiful for him too... k, i feel like i'm over-explaining. i think you know what i mean.

for abe. so that he grows up knowing that it's important for a woman to take care of herself. that way he knows the importance of taking care of "her" as well. whoever she is.

love yourself today.