working through the heartache...

this entry has no definite beginning...

and probably no definite ending either...

and can, by no means,

be expressed to the fullest just by one blog post.

but, tonight, i find myself in a place

that is all too familiar.

it's that place of working through the heartache.

do you know that feeling?

it's that elongated feeling in your chest that creeps up your throat.

it comes attached with so many different overwhelming emotions.

right when you think you may be over it,

it comes up again... like a run-on sentence.

i won't share specifics.

they don't really matter.

well. they matter. they matter to me.

it's just not worth sharing...

jason looks me in the eyes when i feel overtaken and swallowed up. 

"stay tender, baby..."

in order to even get tender

i have to come to a place of reality and vulnerability.

let God go deep and deeper still to the places that are hard...

the places that need to be

tenderized.

restored.

renewed.

refreshed.

sometimes, going through the process,

i get a picture of the Lord plucking out those things that took root down deep.

and then all that's left is this vast desert place

where things that didn't belong once were.

it's painful.

but a good pain.

and then...

the best part.

the feet of the Lord tread upon that vast and empty space.

He makes it holy.

and that place in my heart becomes celibate to Him alone.

and then i can honestly stare everything in the face

and say with all confidence,

"my God, He is good and His love endures"

not only that,

but this is how i get to start every morning!

what a blessed gal i am...

Abraham:

son, always stay tender. keep your heart open to God. even through the hurt. because there will be times where you will hurt. but Abba is always with you. walking with you. singing over you. delighting in you. you can always let your heart be weak before Him. the greatest treasure you will find is, "Jesus loves me, this i know..."

love,

your mama